If I Weren't Afraid
by EpicKitty8
Summary: Ash is a 17 year old assassin who does what she does to protect her younger sister. But if it were her choice, she wouldn't have anything to do with assassination. So when Ash is offered a job that requires her going under cover at Ouran Academy, Ash accepts without realizing that the people she will meet might help her find the courage she needs to save her sister. And herself.


_Tell me Ash, what would you do if you weren't afraid? _

Her words rang in my head, bouncing around the inside of my skull with no real motive. I hummed to try to block out the intruding thoughts. Now was not the time. Now was never the time. Midnight, a time when every man, woman, and child would be asleep in there beds. Well, should be asleep. But not me. I had work to do.

But how could I finish my job with her taunting me like this? It was impossible to think straight. And in my line of work, thinking straight was what made you qualified for the job. Well, sometimes. Okay maybe not. But that was beside the point. The point was, she wouldn't stop talking.

_…If you weren't afraid?_

_ …Afraid?_

_ Ash…?_

_ Ash…?_

_ Am I…really afraid? _I asked myself. I frowned. _No, I'm not. I can't be. I have to be brave. Be strong. For her, _I thought, slamming my fist down onto my palm. It was decided. No turning back. I'd finish this internal argument later. But now, my talents were needed.

I tilted my head to the side and turned towards the entrance to the dark alleyway. The scuffle of feet could be heard from inside. But that wasn't the only thing coming from the dark and cramped space. The strong scent of human and animal waste, not to mention rotting trash, wafted out of the alley. I coughed lightly in my sleeve before darting into the claustrophobic area. The smell was more intense then I would have liked but I found myself slightly relieved that I hadn't smelled cologne yet. That was never a good sign. As I ventured deeper into the dead end, I removed my switchblade from my pocket and flipped it open. It gleamed dangerously in the dim light of the street. The gleam flashed into my eyes as I smiled. I hated doing this so much, though the thought of it still thrilled me. As I took another careful step into the alley I heard a rustle coming from behind a pair of trashcans. I smirked.

"Found you~!" I teased, skipping over to the aluminum cans. With one swift swipe of my arm, the cans were swept out of my way, left to tumble to the entrance of the alley. My smirk morphed into a crazed grin. There, huddled up against the dirty side of a building, was a little boy and his younger sister.

"P-Please, d-don't hurt u-us!" The girl begged.

"Please miss!" The boy pleaded. I leered down at the both of them.

"Hmmm…I think I'll kill you first. That way, you're brother will be able to watch you squirm," I announced, pointing my finger at the little girl. Tears poured down her dirty face.

"N-No! Please miss, d-don't hurt her! K-Kill me and leave her alone!" The boy flung himself protectively over the younger human. I paused, a brief flashback hitting me like a tidal wave:

_It was cold. So, so cold. But this man's smile was colder. I wrapped my arms tightly around my baby sister, Chasity. She was only a year old and just learning how to walk. I didn't want to see her chances of a bright future slip away just because some man decided to kill us both. I glanced around me, looking for any possible weapons. A soda can here. Burger wrappers there. Ah ha! A broken beer bottle lay a foot away from me. It looked to be the only thing I could use. I unlatched one of my arms from around my sister's tiny shoulders and snatched the beer bottle, holding it up to the man._

"_I'm not afraid of you!" I shouted. "Do what you want to me but leave my little sister alone!"_

I blinked away the memory, afraid that if I let it engulf me I would fail in killing these kids. As I looked down at the little boy and his sibling, tears welled up in my eyes. _I can't, _I thought, dropping to my knees.

"I'm so, so sorry Chasity. I can't do it," I whispered, imagining Kaito's face when he finds out I didn't kill these kids. Hopefully by then I could get Ayano to hide my little sis so that she doesn't become the victim of Kaito's rage. Hopefully…

"M-Miss?" The boy stuttered, shivering slightly. I looked at him.

"Are you cold?" I asked. He nodded, rubbing his arms as his sister cuddled closer to him. I smiled gently, shrugging off my jacket. "Here you go," I offered him my jacket. He seemed surprised. I had just been about to kill him and now I'm giving him something to keep warm? Was this a trap? The little boy reached for my jacket hesitantly. I hoped my smile reassured him as he slipped one of his small arms into one of the sleeves. His sister did the same with the other sleeve. I nodded thoughtfully before getting up.

"There's some money in the left pocket. Use it to go get yourselves something to eat," I instructed. Then I jabbed one of my thumbs behind me. "There's an orphanage about two blocks that way. They'll take care of you," I took my switchblade and held it to one of my wrists. After making a small cut, I dipped two fingers in the blood and kneeled down next to the siblings. "This is going to be a bit gross but I have to do it," I stated, running my fingers down the little girls cheek. After she looked bloody enough I did the same thing to her brother. Then I stepped back and took my camera out of my pocket. "Okay you two, relax your bodies against the wall, the ground, anything. Just go entirely limp. And keep your eyes half closed," I instructed. As the pair did what I asked, I snapped a quick picture. "Okay. Wipe the blood off of yourselves and wait until I'm out of the alley before you leave. See you around," I called as I left, glancing at the picture I had just taken. _Good, they look dead, _I thought, feeling relieved. That was the third time I've spared someone's life that month. And each time I had to make them pose for their 'Death Portrait' as Kaito, my mentor, so humbly put it. A Death Portrait is a picture of your victim's bodies that is used as proof that you killed them. I had to take a Death Portrait to show to Kaito so he knew the job had been completed. But lately I had been taking fake Death Portraits. I hated having to kill so many innocents just because they witnessed Kaito killing someone. It wasn't right.

After putting away my camera and walking down the deserted sidewalk and back home, I found myself wishing I could have helped those kids more. From what Kaito had told me, he had killed their parents right in front of them, and my jacket and directions to the nearest safe place wasn't much help compared to what a normal person would have done if they found those kids. Any normal person with a heart would have fed them themselves then gotten them clean and in comfy clothes _before_ they dropped them off at an orphanage. But not me. I couldn't. And why?

Because I was too afraid.

The question Ayano had asked me yesterday reentered my thoughts then.

_Tell me Ash, what would you do if you weren't afraid?_

_If I weren't afraid, I'd help those who needed it._

**~~~~~~~~~~~~Time Skip~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

The sound of his palm on my face echoed through out the small room. I fell to the floor, my cheek on fire and my eye tearing up.

"Oneesan!" I heard Chasity yell from the doorway. I squinted in her general direction, my eyesight impaired for the time being. Her voice had sounded so distant. It was then that I realized that my ear had suffered some damage from that hit as well.

"I'm very disappointed in you, Ash," my mentor, Kaito, said. I grimaced. _Please, not again,_ I mentally begged him. A few kicks to the stomach later and he had me coughing up blood. _Find your happy place Ash. Find your happy place, _I repeated in my head.

"You," kick.

"Are," kick.

"So," kick.

"Pathetic!" Kick. Kick. Kick.

I buried my head in my hands and curled around my stomach. But even with my vital points covered, he still found ways to make me feel pain. _All around me are familiar faces. Worn at places! Worn out faces! Bright and early for the daily races. Going no where. GOING NO WHERE! _I screamed inside of my head. Yet the pain still reached my thoughts. It clouded my vision, my hearing, my sense of touch. I was enveloped in pain. _I've become so numb! I can't feel you there! Become so tired! So much more aware! I'm becoming this! All I want to do, is be more like ME AND BE LESS LIKE YOU! _ I switched songs, trying to maintain my grip on sanity. But my grip was failing.

"Kaito stop!" Ayano shouted. Or I think it was a shout. With all of the pain I was feeling I couldn't really tell. I had the faintest feeling of something dripping out of my ear. After putting my hand there and bringing it into my line of sight, I realized with horror that it was blood. _My_ blood, to be specific. And my nose was bleeding too. And my lip. If I didn't know any better, I'd think my _everything _was bleeding. Maybe it was. Is that why I felt like I was dying. Was I dying?

Was I was already dead?

"That's enough!" Ayano screamed, pushing her enraged brother away from me. But even though my almost murderer was all the way on the other side of the room, the pain he had given me still lingered. A sympathetic hand helped me stand. As I got to my feet, I could feel the world around me tilt and spin.

"Ash? Are you okay?" A small voice asked me. I glanced down at who had helped me stand. Though my vision was blurry and warped, I could still make out the sight of my little sister's face.

"Chas….ity," I mumbled, wrapping my arms around her. Chasity immediately hugged me back.

"Shhh. Don't cry, Ash," Chasity said with a comforting tone. I paused. I was crying? I lifted my head from its place on her shoulder only to find a giant wet spot. _I'm…crying, _I thought. _Why….am I….crying?_ I marveled at how broken up my thoughts were. What was wrong with me? Oh yeah.

I was probably only half alive.

I sunk my face back into Chasity's shoulder. Taking a deep breath, her scent filled my nostrils. Lilac and sweet pea. A truly girly scent that fit her well. Chasity, my darling baby sister. Always willing to help or comfort you. She deserves better than this life we've been given.

Exhaling quietly, I closed my eyes.

_If I weren't afraid, I'd make Chasity happy. If I weren't afraid…_

**Hello? EpicKitty8 here. I apologize for this first chapter being so short but think of it as a 'Trial Chapter'. I'll update a second chapter if I hear that people like it. So please review and tell me what you think! **

**P.S. Thank you to my good friend owldistraction for taking on the bloody job of helping me write this story. Kitty loves you!**


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